Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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