I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
