Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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