You smell like a Billy Joel song
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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