I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
