I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize