Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
