I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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