dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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