some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Found the puke drawer
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize