she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm like, not good at living.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
