Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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