capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
