I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize