When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
