dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
