Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
