hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
