my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
