After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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