Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
