It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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