Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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