did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I want to be your penis for a week.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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