I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
