I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Who died my cat blue again?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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