I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
