Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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