Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
