Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
