Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
