hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
