i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
