I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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