whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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