And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
