Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
why do cheetos always look like penises
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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