Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
