I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
