See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
