fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
