i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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