fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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