I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
