New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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