Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
