I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
His hands were made for my vagina.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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