i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize