I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
