My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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