then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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