good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
