If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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