Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
