it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
