I think my fart just growled at me.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize