Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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