a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
