vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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