now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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