The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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